Why does Anyone Ever Listen to Me?
So, here is where I explain why it is that I believe I’m ill-equipped to survive on my own. Incidentally, since we’ve recently discovered that you all now have posting rights, I’m going to invite Good Buddy R to relay the tale of driving on the beach, since I don’t think I can pull it off. We can collaborate a bit if you want, R, let me know… In addition to the Beach tale, I’ll relay why it is I’m an idiot…
Most recently, I was boarding Ry4n Air to Dublin. Said airline has no assigned seating, so I was looking forward to getting squinched between two sumo-wrestlers on the flight. Then, I reasoned… In reality, two out of every three seats are in fact not middle seats. Odds are, I will get an aisle seat. Of course, that only makes sense if people are being dropped into the plane and staying wherever they land… Actually, most people are actively not choosing the middle seats, so odds of my getting a middle seat, much better than one in three. Still, these lies I tell myself sooth me sometimes, if only because they inspire me to laugh at my own stupidity.
For the curious, I used two good techniques to not get a middle seat on that flight. First, I took the road less travelled, as the plane was boarding from both ends, I boarded in the back. Next, I took the first non-middle seat I found, which several people passed in hopes of getting a better seat. There are no “backsies” so people who tried to come back for that seat found opposition in the traffic flow, and my butt firmly planted. In another aside, on aircraft boarding etiquette…
If you’re a boy, and you’re looking for a seat, do not sit immediately next to another boy if there is a single other seat available anywhere on the plane, including the wing. On the way home, I scored the best seat in the house, IMHO. This plane had the seat nearest the wing exit removed, so in that row, the “middle” seat is actually a window seat. There is no extra legroom in this row, but I crave the option to be as far away from the person next to me, and this row grants that. Almost immediately, some dude plops down next to me, despite my uninviting aura. Why? Why not sit in some aisle seat with nobody in the middle? I want a cute swimsuit model to sit next to me, not some dude. Go away. Okay… /rant
The next most recent stupid thing I did? I have a coffee pot that came with my apartment. Of course, not drinking coffee for the majority of my life, and only sparingly recently, I have no idea how to use it. I do know that I don’t like most coffee, so thinking ahead, I thought I’d buy chocolate powder to put in the filter so every day I’d make mocha. While I marvelled at my own brilliance, I wondered why no one else had thought of this… Presumably because most people are even less brilliant before their coffee, I thought. I should apply for a patent.
At the supermarket I looked in vain for Ne5tle Qu1k. In the baking aisle, I found “Her5hey’s Chocolate”. Then, the helpful voice in my head chimed in… “Isn’t there something we once knew about Baker’s chocolate being bitter?” my voice said to me.
“No. This doesn’t say Baker’s chocolate.” I countered.
“But it was in the Baking Section… It might be understood.” it replied.
“No, you can’t just assume that.” I said… Note how the helpful voice is always plural, whereas the stupid voice is always singular. I continued, “If this was Baking Chocolate, it would probably say so on the label. Plus, the whole bitterness thing is a common mistake, so I’m sure the vendor would want to help the buyer avoid that error. Besides, I can check… There is a recipe on the side, see? It is for chocolate icing, and it calls for no sugar. Chocolate icing isn’t bitter, is it? It is sweet, so this must be sweetened chocolate.”
“Hmmm… But why doesn’t it say ‘Sweetened’, wouldn’t that help people too? Chocolate is naturally not sweetened, so it wouldn’t need a warning that it was in it’s natural state, but it would need a label to say that it had been sweetened, especially for diabetics. I don’t think we’ll like that chocolate.”
“I don’t know about you, but I’ll like it.” I said, and closed the issue.
Of course, it was unsweetened chocolate. I found this out as I made my first pot of magic mocha when I prepared everything and started the coffee machine. I spooned a mound of the powder into my mouth and immediately regretted it.
“I’m such an idiot.” I said to myself.
“Yes you are.” Said the helpful voice, wisely depluralizing itself in this case.
To add to my error, I decided to put the coffee pot in the machine without the lid, since I deemed that part unnecessary. It is necessary, however, as it depresses a valve that lets the coffee fill the pot. While I was in the shower spitting out black gouts of bitter syrup, the coffee pot was quietly overflowing in the kitchen. If you thought baker’s chocolate was bad, the powder is worse. It is equally bitter, but being a powder it finds it’s way to every corner of your mouth, and sticks there. I was spitting brown for the better part of the morning. After cleaning up the mess, I drained the remaining coffee into the pot, which I sweetened unsuccessfully, but drank anyway… To better remember my error.
I guess it comes down to these voices. Of course, I mean voice in the literary sense here. I don’t literally hear voices, but my logic process is fairly conversational. So when I’m thinking about stuff it often turns out to be a mini-conversation with myself, where I argue both sides. Some might say this is a good sign, since I’m actually thinking. However, as I tend to pick the worse option, this is an example of me having an opportunity to be smart, but choosing to be stupid, which probably isn’t a good sign. For the last example… The time I used dish soap in the dish washer…
I had just moved into my first single apartment, when I had moved to Texas. I’d bought a bunch of kitchen-ware and wanted to wash it before storing it. A good thought, it would seem. I had not, in fact, purchased dish washer liquid, but I did have regular soap. I’d already loaded the dish washer when I realised this, and as I wasn’t looking forward to washing the dishes by hand, I decided to use the soap I had…
“This is a bad idea.” the helpful voice warned.
“Why?” I quickly countered.
“That isn’t the right soap. We should use dishwashing liquid.” it offered.
“Soap is soap. What difference could it possibly make?” I asked…
Since the helpful voice didn’t know, I proceeded. One of the hallmarks of my bad ideas are open questions like the one I just asked, that ultimately close the arguments. Another perennial favorite is: “What could possibly go wrong?” Lots could go wrong, most of them will.
If you’re curious, I will let you know what goes wrong. The difference is, dishwashing liquid soap is designed to not make too many suds. Regular dish soap is designed to make lots of bubbles. In the dishwasher, regular soap makes a great deal of suds, which are forced out past the water-tight seal… Once that happens, suds go everywhere in the kitchen, and the seal leaks since there are suds stuck in it, causing the kitchen to flood.
Since this incident qualified as a disaster, the helpful voice was quiet throughout the clean-up. Only once the emergency had passed did it pipe up…
“That wasn’t very smart…” it offered.
“Thank you…” I said. “I know that now.”
Three egregious errors down, several million to go. One day soon, I’ll know it all :p
